Dear Thomas
by Ellstra
Summary: Jimmy made up his mind about how he feels about Thomas. But he doesn t know how to express it even though he knows he s not able to tell it to Thomas face to face...


_**This is the second time I seriously wrote poetry. I don´t know where this came from. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think. :)**_

* * *

Jimmy was quite restless one day. He was forgetting things, went into wrong room, took the wrong bowl for lunch. In the evening he couldn´t stand it anymore. He took a pen and piece of paper and started to write. It took him more time than he expected, but he finished his work before bedtime. He took the list, put it into an envelope and wrote the under butler´s name on it with huge letters, his hand was shaking a bit.

He put the letter under Thomas´ door and tiptoed back to his room. He sat down, but couldn´t be so calm, so he started to walk across the room without any particular sense.

In the meantime, Thomas found the letter and after he recognized the handwriting, his heart started to beat faster. He didn´t wait and read it, standing, leaning against the door.

_Dear Thomas,_

_I can´t really express my feelings. But one night, I couldn´t sleep because I couldn´t stop thinking about you. I hope you didn´t throw this away when you recognized my handwriting, because I need you to read this. It took me some time to express what I feel and even now it´s not perfect. I just hope you´ll find the courage to read this. Because I almost died of fear when I was writing it. _

_I wish I was able to say it to you, face to face, but I´m not. _

_I don´t say I don´t love_

_When you hold me like this_

_That I ever have enough._

_Give me another kiss._

_So please, don´t pretend,_

_I said something else._

_I need you beside me,_

_Doesn´t it make sense?_

_I know I have been rude,_

_That I pushed you away,_

_But now I want to be good,_

_And do what you say._

_I´m waiting for your love_

_And for your attention,_

_I want to make you laugh,_

_To destroy the tension._

_Come, baby, come,_

_I swear I need you,_

_To overcome_

_The fear of loving you._

_I want to kiss your lips,_

_I want share your sleep,_

_I want to hold your hips,_

_I don´t want to weep._

_You don´t know how much_

_I need you beside me_

_You don´t know how much_

_You´re attracting me._

_You´re as flawless as a sunny day,_

_You´re beautiful in your own way,_

_You are the reason why I live,_

_What I don´t want to forgive,_

_Is a crime._

_Because you stole my heart_

_And never gave it back._

_I´m starving, shivering,_

_Having a heart-attack,_

_And it´s all your fault._

_I´m being torn into pieces,_

_Because of my love to you,_

_Don´t you see how serious is,_

_My desire for you?_

_I´ve been childish,_

_I´ve been blind,_

_I´m selfish,_

_Don´t you mind?_

_I´m an innocent child lost in feelings,_

_With no experience and no guide,_

_Despite I´m afraid of our meetings_

_I´m not willing to stand aside._

_I know I can be annoying,_

_I know I´m cheeky, daring,_

_I admit I´m a cocky boy,_

_Always wanting something more._

_I still hope you will love me,_

_I still believe you can save me,_

_From being alone and lonely,_

_You can do it, only._

_You are my last help, my last chance,_

_Without you, I´m going crazy,_

_I hope you´ve loved me ever since,_

_Even though I´m lazy._

_I trust you_

_I love you._

_Are you determined_

_Too see what´s in me?_

_I was ashamed,_

_To show you how I feel,_

_How amazed,_

_From head to heel,_

_I am when I see you._

_And still, it´s not enough_

_I want more, life, love_

_I want to see you naked_

_Give me love, I´m prepared to take it._

_I can´t see any obstacles,_

_They´ve all gone away_

_In the moment I looked into your eyes,_

_They´re so beautiful._

_It´s not just lust,_

_It´s a part of me,_

_Don´t keep me waiting –_

_I´m dying for you._

_I can feel the blood running through my veins._

_I can sense the smell of something new I want._

_And now I can see why I suffered from all the pains._

_I don´t want to hear something is wrong, I don´t._

_You can´t push me away,_

_Not now when I have a hope,_

_I´m staying with you anyway,_

_I´m a boy with whom you have to cope._

_So let me love you,_

_Let me fly,_

_Let my show you,_

_How I cry,_

_Let me reveal you,_

_My worst fear,_

_Let me whisper to you,_

_What you want to hear,_

_Let me smile,_

_And let me try._

_I´m all yours,_

_Don´t give me up._

_This is your chance,_

_You want this, don´t you?_

_Close your eyes and sense,_

_My love to you._

_Let me hold you,_

_Let me kiss you,_

_Let me hug you,_

_Let me send your tears away._

_Because they´re steeling your beauty._

_I know it is not right,_

_I´m frightened of the sight,_

_And still I can´t fight_

_The will to see a light._

_Because you are my star,_

_And you´ve been too far,_

_Now it´s time to come down,_

_You´re as radiant as the sun._

_My love is against the law,_

_And I was running away from it_

_Admitting it is my flaw,_

_But then you came and it vanished._

_I see how confident and strong you are,_

_I want to be as courageous as you are,_

_But I still have doubts, I still hesitate,_

_Am I prepared to be your mate?_

_You are so beautiful it suffocates me,_

_Do I deserve you, do you deserve me?_

_Are we really meant for each other,_

_The thought we´re not makes me shudder._

_Does it mean I finally fell for you?_

_Does it mean I´ve overcome my fear,_

_That it´s not right, to be with you?_

_Speak, shout, scream, I want to hear._

_Can you guide me_

_Through my uncertainty,_

_Will you show me,_

_How to love you?_

_I´m not sure about what I feel,_

_But it´s strong, I can´t heal._

_I´m too attached to you,_

_You´ll love me, won´t you?_

_´Cause I love you and always will,_

_I have to stand up, don´t kneel,_

_You´re too good for hiding in the shadow,_

_Come to the sun, to the meadow,_

_Anywhere you want._

_And I will be here,_

_Waiting for you._

_Because that´s it._

_I love you._

_I love you, Thomas,_

_And I understand,_

_If you´ll send me away,_

_´Cause you found somebody else._

_I know I have to pay for my sins,_

_For what I´ve done,_

_And for what I haven´t,_

_I know you´re afraid,_

_Of being hurt again._

_And I understand._

_But I still hope,_

_There is love for me,_

_Somewhere, anywhere,_

_Because my love for you is everywhere._

_I want you to take my body,_

_I want you to take my soul,_

_I need you to be steady,_

_In case I fall._

_Love you, always and forever,_

_Jimmy_

Thomas wiped off the tears which were flowing down his cheeks. It had to be tears of joy, because there was no other reason why would he cry after these words from Jimmy. He had been waiting for them so long he almost stopped believing they will come. But now, it was here. And Jimmy was afraid Thomas didn´t love him. It felt so crazy to Thomas he started to laugh. Poor, silly Jimmy! How would he ever be able to stop loving this little cutie? How could he ever find anybody else if Jimmy was still somewhere around?

The under butler stood up and went to Jimmy´s room. It was late in the night, but he had to see the young footman, he felt he would die if he stayed in bed. He tiptoed inside and closed the door silently. He thought he might see Jimmy sleeping – and secretly he wished for it. Jimmy had looked even younger, even more cute, even more unreachable it had made Thomas´ heart stop when he had seen his beloved boy that night months ago. But this was the past, now there was present. And in it, Jimmy was awake and waited for him with fear in eyes.

Thomas´ heart skipped a beat and then it ran as fast as it could, even faster than the night far away. Jimmy was waiting for him, sitting on his bed but he looked as if he had been wandering across the room only moments before. Thomas smiled a little feeling his own nervosity. He felt he was losing everything, he just let the feelings come through him.

And when he looked into Jimmy´s eyes, he suddenly had no idea what to say. There wasn´t any real word, sentence or phrase which was meant to be said. The moment was flawless when it was silent, all the words had been told or were going to be. They were staring at each other, both perplexed of the sight of each other so close, without any witnesses. Thomas swallowed because he finally felt his heart in the throat. The feeling of being so close to Jimmy was overwhelming and burnt him from inside. Jimmy was unpatiently trying to fight his fast breath but he wasn´t successful.

Finally it became unstandable. The attraction was too big, the separation unbearable and the flames of lust were shining inside them like a bonfire. Jimmy stood up and in the same moment, Thomas did few steps towards him. They were both a bit shy so they touched each other´s fingertips gently, but only this small touch made them almost suffocate. They were hiding their feelings for too long and now it was squirting, radiating from them when their bodies started to explore.

Jimmy let his fingers run across Thomas´chest when finally they reached to edge of the shirt he worn and hide themselves under the fabric, gently caressing Thomas´ skin. The under butler gasped and closed eyes for a while. This was the first gentle, romantic touch Jimmy gave him and the joy Thomas felt was so great he almost couldn´t breathe. He took Jimmy´s beautiful, flawless face in hands and enjoyed the feeling for some time before he pulled the footman closer. Their lips were just inch or two far but the distance was worse than when it was metres. However, Thomas enjoyed the ecstatic pain he felt whe he had Jimmy so close and yet so far away. It was the same as smoking, he could even enjoy the moment before he started to feel great.

But Jimmy wasn´t as patient as Thomas was. He was young and needed love, needed somebody to kiss. No, not somebody – he wanted Thomas. He wanted the older, thoughtful man with such a pain in soul so much it hurt him. It was a painful part of his life, admitting he felt something for Thomas, but now it was behind him and he could take what he wanted.

Jimmy surmounted the gap between their lips and his life stopped existing. Anything but Thomas vanished, because it wasn´t important. The fear of being caught, the need for sleep, the people sleeping in the house – it all stopped existing when he kissed Thomas. He had been kissed few times before, but he never felt it was right. Now he understood. He had been waiting for this, for the right person. For Thomas. Because Thomas´ kiss seemed to be the right, sweet, pleasant and yet full of desire they shared. It promised more. More than sweet kiss in the night, more than innocent silent cuddling. Thomas was important and Jimmy felt his letter wasn´t good, because it didn´t show how he felt. The feelings couldn´t be described by words, but he knew Thomas understood.


End file.
